First Thanksgiving

The first Thanksgiving has spawned all sorts of mythology, lore and mystery. But, the first Thanksgiving was a simpler event than many people think.

For instance, the first Thanksgiving took place in 1621 when the pilgrims and Indians sat down at the bargaining table together and the pilgrims said, "Well give you some sand for Long Island, New York". The Indians said "What kind of sand?"

Besides bargaining over land rights and the threats of depopulating the Indian nation through aggression and disease, the two sides also shared a nice meal of venison, turkey, swan, ham and menudo. Both sides gave thanks at the wonderful harvest that year that would supply grain alcohol to the Indians and a tactical advantage to the Europeans who intended to raid the Indians when they were inebriated.

The first Thanksgiving did not feature Pocahontas or the Disney remake since she died a few years before the historical event. Captain John Smith was also missing from the event since he was out campaigning for President, even though there would be no elections for another one-hundred plus years.
Two years later, in 1623, Governor William Bradford would claim credit for the first Thanksgiving and tried to name the event after himself, calling it Bradford's Day. The name never took off though the harvest festivities continued year after year until George Washington made it an official holiday along with his birthday.

The first Thanksgiving was mired in a lot of small talk with the Winnebago Indians, who were, ironically thin as a rail. It was the Puritans who were big as buses and trying to shove religion down the Indian's throats, telling the heathens they better reform or else the savages were going to hell. And, by hell, they meant Nevada.

So, the Indians, and Puritans ate, drank and became merry as someone had brought forth some laced brownies for dessert. At the first Thanksgiving, the Puritans and Indians chitchatted, small talked and generally engaged in a few adolescent pranks such as giving each other atomic wedgies.

In most history books, their take of the first Thanksgiving is a rather banal event that caught on to celebrate the spoils of the harvest and ask for many more to come. But, the real first Thanksgiving was more colorful and since we only tell the truth on this site, you can believe every word that you've read here.