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First
Thanksgiving
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The first
Thanksgiving has spawned all sorts of mythology, lore and
mystery. But, the first Thanksgiving was a simpler event than
many people think.
For instance,
the first Thanksgiving took place in 1621 when the pilgrims
and Indians sat down at the bargaining table together and
the pilgrims said, "Well give you some sand for Long
Island, New York".
The Indians
said "What kind of sand?"
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Besides bargaining over land rights and the threats of depopulating
the Indian nation through aggression and disease, the two sides
also shared a nice meal of venison, turkey, swan, ham and menudo.
Both sides gave thanks at the wonderful harvest that year that would
supply grain alcohol to the Indians and a tactical advantage to
the Europeans who intended to raid the Indians when they were inebriated.
The first Thanksgiving did not feature Pocahontas or the Disney
remake since she died a few years before the historical event. Captain
John Smith was also missing from the event since he was out campaigning
for President, even though there would be no elections for another
one-hundred plus years.
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Two years later, in 1623, Governor William Bradford would claim credit
for the first Thanksgiving and tried to name the event after himself,
calling it Bradford's Day. The name never took off though the harvest
festivities continued year after year until George Washington made
it an official holiday along with his birthday.
The first Thanksgiving was mired in a lot of small talk with the
Winnebago Indians, who were, ironically thin as a rail. It was the
Puritans who were big as buses and trying to shove religion down
the Indian's throats, telling the heathens they better reform or
else the savages were going to hell. And, by hell, they meant Nevada.
So, the Indians, and Puritans ate, drank and became merry as someone
had brought forth some laced brownies for dessert. At the first
Thanksgiving, the Puritans and Indians chitchatted, small talked
and generally engaged in a few adolescent pranks such as giving
each other atomic wedgies.
In most history books, their take of the first Thanksgiving is
a rather banal event that caught on to celebrate the spoils of the
harvest and ask for many more to come. But, the real first Thanksgiving
was more colorful and since we only tell the truth on this site,
you can believe every word that you've read here.
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